Tragedy comes in threes. Loss is infinite.

On Jan 31 my mother-in-law died. She had gone into the hospital several days earlier with what started with a bad head cold, and progressed to pneumonia. Complications with her Diabetes caused us to not be able to speak with her after she was admitted.

I can't find the words to describe what an awful experience it was. The worst part is not being able to talk about it with anyone. It was such a horrific experience that no one sane would want to be told, and the people who I experienced it with don't want to relive it.

Now we are living with the loss every day. Rosie, my mother-in-law, was supposed to move in with us. My wife was looking forward to it. Rosie and my wife would text each other throughout the day, every day. Now the silence is deafening.

My wife and I with some help started cleaning out Rosie's apartment. After much work, my wife couldn't bear to be in the apartment anymore. She said it was like we were trying to erase her mom's existence. I agree. It was hard enough for me, I can't imagine what it must be like for her.

Now most of the work is done. There are still boxes that we need to go through, and bits of her estate to clean up, but it is mostly done. Now there's just the healing, and the living through each day without her.

Each day without her.

Loss is infinite.

A Contradiction in Adult Terms

My wife's best friend is very strict about what games her kids, who are 11 and 13, play. I am okay with this for the most part, because I believe you should know what your kids do and play. My issue is that she goes strictly by the ESRB rating, and makes no allowance outside of that.

I understand that without knowing a game's content it is difficult to make an informed decision about what games one should let their children play, but I think there is some room for discussion, and the need for flexibility in that process. After all, by severely restricting the games they play, I think she is driving the kids to play those particular games elsewhere without her knowledge, and they are less likely to pay attention to her rules than if she said "I will allow you to play THESE games, but THIS one I find very inappropriate because of X, Y, and Z, and I ask that you please not play it."

Perhaps I am naive, and the kids will play whatever they want at their friend's places anyway, but I think respect and communication go far.

This brings me to a game I have been playing lately called Persona 4. This is a 'Mature' rated game, and for good reason. The list of content has such things as Partial Nudity, Sexual Themes, Alcohol References and Violence, all of which it has. (What is partial nudity, though. Isn't that like being a little bit pregnant?) I have no problem with the rating. It is a rather mature game. But what does that really mean?

I pulled some relevant definitions from Dictionary.reference.com:

–adjective
1. complete in natural growth or development, as plant and animal forms: a mature rose bush.

3. fully developed in body or mind, as a person: a mature woman.

4. pertaining to or characteristic of full development: a mature appearance; fruit with a mature softness.

7. intended for or restricted to adults, esp. by reason of explicit sexual content or the inclusion of violence or obscene language: mature movies.

8. composed of adults, considered as being less susceptible than minors to explicit sexual content, violence, or obscene language, as of a film or stage performance: for mature audiences only.

–verb (used with object)
13. to bring to full development: His hard experiences in the city matured him.

–verb (used without object)
16. to come to full development: Our plans have not yet matured.

I realize that 'Mature' in this sense is intended as in definition #7, that is 'intended for or restricted to adults', but let me tell you something about Persona 4...

P4 is about a high school student fighting monsters and saving the world, which is typical RPG fare. Where it deviates is in the inclusion of elements from Japanese dating sims, where one talks to people and develops relationships with them over the course of the game. Typically in a dating sim, they are female, but here there are people of all types, and while there are love interests in the mix, many of the relationships have no sexual aspect in the slightest.

What makes this more interesting is that over the course of developing these ties, you discover... depth. There's the class clown who hides his anxieties beneath his jocularity. There's the punk who, because of how sensitive he is, and the fact that he is good at 'feminine' tasks, questions his sexuality. There's the teen Idol (actor/celebrity) who wonders who the real person is behind the acting. There's the young wife who is having trouble relating to her stepson, and the flirtatious nurse who can't remember why she chose her career, and on, and on.

This is a game about finding out who you really are, and how much of who you are is what you decide to be. This is a game about finding out that everyone else has the same hang-ups and worries as you do. This is a game about growing up... about MATURING.

Despite this being a Mature rated game, this is a game I think I would want my teenagers to play. Hopefully they would see and understand the themes presented in the game, and relate to them, and mature a little from the experience. Compare this to a typical shooter, where the whole game is 'Kill X' or 'Don't BE killed by X'. Isn't there a difference? Is it fair to rate both 'Mature'?

I don't blame the ESRB for this, for they have an impossible task. Play a game and rate the content, that is their job, but to themes have an mitigating or occasionally detrimental effect? Would parents see the difference, or even care?

For now, I'm glad I don't have kids, so that burden is not yet mine, but when I do, I am in a better decision than most to do actual research, and not just look at the rating.

I hope I always take the time.

Moments Gone and Future Intents

I had/have a post in the works about Persona 4, and the nature of adult/mature games, which I think is somewhat insightful, but that must wait for the future. Right now, I want to talk about the past, more specifically this morning.

"This morning? That's the past?" you might ask.

The point is this morning IS the past, and as such is now forever beyond our grasp. This morning we had to put one of our cats to sleep.

I tend to be a soft hearted person. I get more emotional that most people I know, and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so keep that in mind. If this gets overly sentimental or weepy sounding, I apologize.

Thea was MY cat. She would hop into my lap, start purring, and lick my nose. She would sit on the arm of a chair and bat at me to get my attention as I walked by. She would let me drape her over my neck and shoulders and carry her when I got up to let the dog out. She would follow me into the bathroom and curl up, nesting in my boxers while I was on the toilet. We had her for less than a year, but she was brimming with personality. My wife took her to the vet this morning and had to have her put to sleep while I was at work. She made the right decision, and talked to me on the phone and told me everything as it was happening. It doesn't change the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye. She was still a kitten, only 2 1/2 yrs old, but had some genetic kidney defect that was killing her. I didn't get to say goodbye. This morning is gone. Thea is gone. Both are forever out of reach.

I miss her.

...Aaaaaaand we're back!

For me, at least, wheels are turning once again. I've been employed for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I'm back in the automotive industry as well, working for another Tier 1 supplier on a contractual basis. This is temporary, to be sure, it's nice to reap an engineer's pay again, if just for a little while.

I have more to say, but it's good to ease into these things a little at a time.

Until then.

My Fingernail Theory.

I have this theory, which ticks off my wife. It goes:
Women do not paint or do their nails for men; they do it for other women.

If you are a man, this statement is self evident. If you are a woman, this statement ticks you off, if my current sampling holds true.

My wife visits this website which is nothing but pictures of women's nails, nails painted with flowers, paisley designs, patterns, etc. Inevitably, while browsing this pictures, she will aske me: "What do you think of her nails?" My answer is always the same. "I think it's silly." She then proceeds to get annoyed with me.

Honestly, fellas, how many of you have ever said, "Wow, she's really hot... and did you see those NAILS?"

Hey, I have a blog?

Uh, yeah, so that whole blogging thing... I guess I'm missing the point about regular posts.

Things here have been... quiet. I've not had a single call about a job. Not ONE SINGLE CALL. My last ego boost was being turned down for a job as a bank teller. BANK TELLER. Obviously, I'm a bit down about the whole 'job' thing.

My plan is still to go back to school using No Worker Left Behind. The only problem, and I'm not saying it really is a problem, is that using NWLB means leaving engineering. This has highlighted something else that is bothering me.

The field of engineering is dying in the US.

A Careerbuilder magazine that was sent to my house stated that engineering careers in the US are flat for the foreseeable future. This is not a surprise when you think that engineering and manufacturing are inseperably linked. Engineers design things to be manufactured. Engineers moniter, maintain, and inprove manufacturing lines that produce thos same things. As manufacturing leaves the US, so too does engineering.

This is really depressing for me, not only because it does not bode well for the future of the US, but also because I really liked the concreteness of mechanical engineering.

Does anyone see this similarly? Does anyone think I'm wrong?

Anyone?

Farewell to thee, Goatee.

I must not be very good at this blogging thing, as I haven't posted in a while. Bad me!

I haven't had much to say lately. I'm still job searching, without even the slightest success, however, now I'm pondering the 'return to the school' option. This initially reared it's ugly head as an interest in 'No Worker Left Behind' which I am still investigating, but now continues in schooling regardless of NWLB. I am waiting to hear back from U of M Dearborn on their Electrical Engineering program. I have a mechanical degree, but lately I've been thinking that's a dead end. I like being an ME, but I like the idea of having both an ME and EE degree.

That, however, is beside the point. Right now I wish to put into word a memorial to my Goatee.

My love affair with my Goatee began where most experimentation happens: college. I flirted shamelessly with my Goatee, going occationally with, occationally without it. As time wore on, and I matured, I grew closer to my Goatee, encouraged, at the time, by my then girlfriend, Rachel. Upon graduation, however, a rift opened between us. I needed to find employment, and unilaterally people said that one must be clean shaven to impress a prospective employer. Thus, saddened, but determined, I severed my relationship with my Goatee. Again, time wore on, and found myself still without work. No matter how much I yearned for my Goatee, I had to remain steadfast.

Eventually, I did find employment, and with it came new hope, and a new chance to rekindle my relationship with my Goatee, and we had been together ever since. My Goatee was with me when I met my wife, and at our wedding. My Goatee consoled me when my wife's cat, Allie, died, and reminded me of how she nuzzled my Goatee when being affectionate. My Goatee was there when I was laid off two month ago, and my wife tucked it in her neck as she, too, consoled me.

Now, however, my Goatee is gone. Again I am without employment, again, clean shaven is how I must be to impress a potential employeer, and again my Goatee is gone. Our long standing relationship is over.

At least until I find a new job, and can grow it back.

Spring is Near

The windows are open, and spring is in the air. It has been a long, hard winter. Between economic woes, uncertainty at work, and random other factors, I am more than happy to see the end of winter.

Spring is a time of rebirth, renewal, and growth. All of these things are a part of, or participate in change. I could really use some change for the better right now, even, perhaps, rebirth. My own personal growth has been rather stunted as of late. Several of my former co-workers started Grad school for MBA's. More and more I've been envying them. My previous position was very stable, to the point of stagnation. Rebirth, renewal, growth. Change.

I am filled with worry about the future, as to whether I can find a job soon, and continue to make my mortgage payment, but if I do find a new job soon, this could be one of the best things that's happened to me in a while. (My marriage being the other.)

Growth.

Change.

Spring is here, and it's about damn time.

Some Simple Updates

I appologize again, to the zero people reading this blog, that I haven't been updating. Really, there hasn't been all that much going on. That is not to say there have not been a few points of interest:

I've attended my first seminar/session/whatever at with Right Management, a transition service that my previous employer contracted to help those that were laid off. The first session was Career Assessment. Prior to attending the class, I had to take the Myers-Briggs, and do a value assessment exercise. The result were rather interesting. I have taken the Myers-Briggs before, and the results changed since the last time I took it. Previously, I came up as a classic Engineer. This time, I tested as a ISFJ, "The Protector", most apt to health care, and LEAST apt for Engineering and Computers. I think it is a reflection of the issues I had with my previous employment, and not an indication that I am not fit for my chosen career path.

Also interesting, is that my wife, who was four credits short of a Master's in Clinical Psychology, had never heard of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. There were other tests that she specialized in, which I understand. Certain schools will prefer different tests over others. What I find confusing is that she had never had the test discussed in class. Even if you didn't want your students to use a particular test, wouldn't you at least cover the test to discuss its weaknesses, and explain why you don't want them to use it? Odd.

I am finally playing along with the Game Club at Eat-Sleep-Game, previously 1UP FM's backlog. I've been meaning to play for some time, but this time I actually ran across a copy of the game for a bargain before they started discussing it. The game, which is Rockstar's Bully, is pretty much, from what I can tell, classic GTA formula in a different setting. I'm not big fan of GTA. I haven't played a GTA since the first one, where I had fun torching Hari Karishnas with a flame thrower, and watching my roommate going on a cop-killing spree till here were none left in the city. (Don't think I don't know how bad that sounds, but the first GTA was pretty abstract.) I've seen people play others, but they never really appealled to me.

Some thoughts on the game:
1) I'm not sure how I feel about the mission-based structure yet. I've not been a big fan of it in the past, with other games. Jak 2 was partly the reason for this. Jak and Daxter was a competent platformer, and 2 had such an artificial grafting of mission based structure and dark, angsty story that I stopped playing really early. We'll see what happens here.
2) Save Algie. Dear God, why an escort mission? I hated them in X-Wing, I hated them in Tie Fighter, and an escort mission was the OTHER reason I stopped playing Jak 2.
3) Why is every person in the school a psychopath? I'm walking along, minding my own bi'ness, and some jerk hits me from behind, out of the blue. What did I ever do to you? Why do people try to beat me up for no apearant reason, even in the middle of the school, with prefects standing right there?

More later, as the game progresses.

And Time Marches On

So, it has been two and a half weeks since the Great Job Massacre, and I haven't exactly been idle in that time. I've re-activated my Monster account, opened a Career Builder account, filed for unemployment, and registered with Michigan Works. I've applied for about eight jobs so far, and no calls. I suppose I'm being a bit impatient. It's silly to think that in this economy, in this area, another job is going to pop up immediately after what loosing the last one meant. Still, it's discouraging.

I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose. When I graduated from college in '99, it took me almost six months to find a job. At the time, I chalked it up to the time of year I graduated (December). I figured that everyone was looking for new hires around normal graduation time in May. Sure enough, I didn't land a job till May.

Now, as then, however, that little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, 'Maybe it's YOU. Maybe you're just a bad engineer!'

Regardless, I have to keep going, and tell that voice to go fark itself. Still, the doubts are there.

In Between

I've been in an odd place since I lost my job. I guess this is not surprising. I'm in an in between place where I'm having trouble moving forward, even though I know it's REALLY important to get moving right now. I've looked into some options, and there are some interesting opportunities available to me.

Michigan Works will train me in a presumed growing field. I was happy being an engineer, but perhaps I do need a change.

In the meantime, my previous employer has paid for two months for me at a company called Right Management, which will help me write my resume, give me practice interviewing, and look at my different options if I want to switch careers.

Between the two, I'm seriously thinking of giving up this whole engineering thing. It's an odd thought. For almost 8.75 yrs of working, and 4.5 yrs of schooling, I defined myself by the title of engineer. It wasn't just what I did, it was who I was. Now that may not be the case anymore.

I know this may be silly to you. Why would someone define themselves so closely with what they do? I don't think it's unusual for engineers, though.

For now I'm an engineer. Tomorrow? Who knows.

Here's to the Fallen

I finished the last post, and realized that I overlooked one of the things I really wanted to do, and that is recognize those people who I knew who lost their jobs on Wed.

So, to Greg, Rayyan, Brian, Joel, Kendra, and especially David, those special few I knew out of the approximately 300 who, like me, lost their jobs, and to Will, Sara, Helene, and Jeremy, those smart few who took the damn buyout and walked away with more money, here's to you all. Good luck in all your endeavors.

Cheers.

And so falls the axe.

In my neck.

As I'm sure all of the zero people reading this blog were wondering, yes, last Wednesday the dreaded layoffs did occur, and so, as of about 1:30, Feb 18th, I am unemployed. Yup, my number came up.

The word that kept coming up in all of this was 'bloodbath'. Many fine people were let go.

I am dreadfully depressed by this. I keep trying to remind myself that it is not personal, and that my manager probably knew nothing about this. After all, on Tues, after attending a presentation to one of our customers that I had a large part in, he asked me how I would feel about going to Japan for training. Just 24 hrs later, the point is moot.

Now I have the eminent pleasure of trying to find an Engineering job in SE Michigan, when Ford, GM, and Chrysler are laying off Engineers in droves.

I have worked there just under 9 yrs. My resume had a layer of dust on it an inch thick, and I've completely forgotten how to write my objective.

All is not lost, of course. Friends and family have all reached out to make sure I knew that I wasn't alone in this. With my wife working, a meager severance, some unemployment from the state, and a bit of luck, we might make it through this, even keeping the house.

I must admit I'm a bit scared. Too much can go wrong, and this isn't the economy to be job searching in.

More as it develops.

Ready, Aim, Misfire?

Thursday was rumored to be the day the cuts were happening. This turned out not to be true. I am getting very sick of not knowing what's going on. The company has released no new memos, no communication, no nothing. We have no idea if there are even going to be more cuts, after they extended the voluntary buyout. Instead we have rumors and paranoia. The rumor now is that there will be pay cuts.

Today was the last day for another one of my friends at work. Another one bites the dust.

In the meantime, between waiting to loose my job and saying goodbye to friends, I'm working on a project that I don't understand. In October I was transferred to a new department, as I might have previously mentioned. I'm not really up to speed in my new position. No one around me has had any time to train me in what the new department does, and some of what I'm working on hasn't been done by my company in the US yet. So, now I have to present our 'design' (and I use the term loosely) to our customer when I don't even really understand how it works. My most recent task on this front has been to start pouring over customer specs trying to figure out what applies to this part, and how we have to test it.

I really feel out of my element on this project, and there's really no one to ask for help. My manager is in California at some seminar. Before he left, he told me to handle this. That was helpful, wasn't it? I really have to choice but to blindly stumble forward, though the current uncertainty really makes this difficult.

Perhaps the hammer will drop tomorrow. Perhaps not.

Obama; make up your darn mind!

I really don't understand Pres. Obama. On one hand, he's going to give money to help the big three survive. On the other hand, it looks like he's going to let California rape them on emission standards.

I understand wanting to help curb emissions and help the environment, but can't we wait till the economy and industry stabilize? You don't hook a patient suffering from blood loss to an IV, then ask them if they would like to donate plasma to the red cross. Bleed them when they're well! Sheesh.

Just look at the news:

GM cuts 10,000 white collar employees.
Nissan cuts 20,000 jobs, assumes loss.
Toyota sees worst loss since 1950.

Yeah, that definitely sounds like a healthy industry, doesn't it?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

This has been a rough week for me. I've been sick with some sort of killer kold from outer space, and I've been to two different 'going away' gatherings for friends. I've just returned from one such gathering. One of my best work friends has taken the buy out, and we gathered at the bar to say goodbye. His last day is actually next week, but it was a joint party for someone else who's last day is tomorrow.

On the way home from the bar I heard "The Distance" by Cake. I haven't heard that song since college, which got me thinking about those friends I've lost touch with from "back in the day".

And now I'm depressed. Go figure.

In other gossipy news, there are some major organizational changes going on at work. Things are being shaken up pretty severely. I am fortunate that since my transfer I am out of some of the more startling changes. With the coming involuntary terminations, the company will have been reduced 50% from the last year or two. This is pretty frightening. In the meantime, I think it was GM which opened it's buyout to all hourly employees, and USgov still hasn't agreed on any sort of further aid.

And furthermore, the groundhog saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of winter.
I don't know about you, but I'm ready for spring.

Not so much like a falling axe, more like being nibbled to death by cats

The title is partly a reference to Babylon 5, where two of the characters make a half baked metaphor, and mix up ducks and cats.

Rumors abound at work, and I have been told that several people have already been walked out. In addition, several supervisors I know have be demoted to Sr. Engineers. Obviously, since I have not started with a despairing rant, I still am employed. This is not, however, the end of the cuts. It seems that the cuts may be happening over some time, unlike the last round in October, which happened all in one fateful day.

Today was the last day for one of my coworkers. He was not terminated, he took a voluntary buyout. This particular coworker started a few months after I did, and in the same group. Four years ago he was transferred to a different group. Last October, when the first round of cuts occurred, I was transferred to the same group as he. He was my lifeline while I was reeling from the changes. I still don't quite feel at ease in the new group, but now the one familiar face is gone. The corner desk, next to where I stood too look out the window, is empty. The company is just a bit colder.

Will, good luck wherever you go. I'll miss you.

Sometimes Ups out-number the Downs, but not often.

The halls are emptier at work, but it's not yet very noticeable. That will change in the coming weeks when the rest of the cuts happen. It is going to change for me sooner, though, as two of my friends have accepted the buyout. It is a strange feeling. I've worked in this company for going on nine years, and most of that time has been in the same job, the same group, and doing the same basic things. Now, in the space of a few months, my position in the company has changed, people I've known for years are leaving, and my job has turned out to be not nearly as safe as it once seemed. It is a very unsettled and unsettling feeling.

Some random thoughts to take my mind off things:

I've finished Dragon Quest 8, and it's fair to say I like it. I am so used to Final Fantasy's style that the different monster designs and old school feel really stand out, but in a good way. I really like the cel-shaded animations on the monsters. The edges are smooth, and don't have the choppy or polygonal feel of some of the earlier FF games. It is pretty to look at.

I love games, as you can probably tell. Casual and free games have made a bit of a buzz with the gaming press lately, and for good reason. Sites like Kongregate and Armor Games have sucked away so much of my free time, and kept me from doing constructive things, that I probably need to have an intervention. Most of the games I really enjoy and keep going back to are by Armor games, and also playable on Kongregate. I recommend the Shift series of games, Hedgehog Launch, and Sonny. Try them, and see how fun free games can be.

Phillip Koller of Rebel FM mentioned Gravity Bone in a podcast, and I downloaded and played it. It is interesting. The game is all of twenty minutes long, if that, but is fun, innovative, and manages to convey a story with no actual dialogue.

More later

The Chopping Block

Tomorrow will be the last day for those at work who took the voluntary buyout. However, that's not the end, oh no, no it's not! INvoluntary terminations will follow shortly thereafter. Yes sir or madam as the case may be, I may not have a job in the next week or so!

I'm nervous, of course. We're all nervous. The total lack of communication, along with the rampant rumors have ruined moral and made everyone paranoid. It has gotten to the point where we all think the ones who have taken the buyout may be the smart/lucky ones.

The consensus is that the company has handled this poorly. I have two co-workers going for MBA's at U of M, and they both said that every class they take says this is "what not to do." Regardless, the circus goes on, and the rumors continue.

To put the icing on the cake, I came home from work to find our dog had messed in his crate. I had leave almost immediately, and didn't have time to clean it, so it is still a mess. I was really disgusted. I don't even like the dog. It was a 'gift' to my wife. She won't clean the crate, however. She gags and throws up if she tries. I find it rather unfair that I have to clean up after a dog I never really wanted, but such is life, I suppose.

In the meantime, GM has announced that they are eliminating 2000 more jobs.

Joy.

Weak-ender

Yesterday, some of my wife's friends, my wife, and I went to see a play at the hillbury. We saw "A Bad Year for Tomatoes" in the studio theater. It was OK. The acting was good, but the play itself... Eh. We went to dinner afterwards at Los Parisas (I don't remember the correct spelling) in Mexican town. We were supposed to be waiting in this roped off area, but we ended up eating there, with seven of us crowded around this table meant for five. It was a decent evening.

Today I made a pot of chili. I tried a new recipe that we got from Nigella Feasts. My wife is a fan of her show. I'm more of an Alton Brown fan, and would like to try his chili, but finding lamb or pork stew meat has been difficult, and I'm too lazy right now to make my own chili powder.

Neither of us really liked the chili. It's a good thing there's so much left over.
Maybe it's one of those things that's better the second day.
I hope.