Tragedy comes in threes. Loss is infinite.

On Jan 31 my mother-in-law died. She had gone into the hospital several days earlier with what started with a bad head cold, and progressed to pneumonia. Complications with her Diabetes caused us to not be able to speak with her after she was admitted.

I can't find the words to describe what an awful experience it was. The worst part is not being able to talk about it with anyone. It was such a horrific experience that no one sane would want to be told, and the people who I experienced it with don't want to relive it.

Now we are living with the loss every day. Rosie, my mother-in-law, was supposed to move in with us. My wife was looking forward to it. Rosie and my wife would text each other throughout the day, every day. Now the silence is deafening.

My wife and I with some help started cleaning out Rosie's apartment. After much work, my wife couldn't bear to be in the apartment anymore. She said it was like we were trying to erase her mom's existence. I agree. It was hard enough for me, I can't imagine what it must be like for her.

Now most of the work is done. There are still boxes that we need to go through, and bits of her estate to clean up, but it is mostly done. Now there's just the healing, and the living through each day without her.

Each day without her.

Loss is infinite.

A Contradiction in Adult Terms

My wife's best friend is very strict about what games her kids, who are 11 and 13, play. I am okay with this for the most part, because I believe you should know what your kids do and play. My issue is that she goes strictly by the ESRB rating, and makes no allowance outside of that.

I understand that without knowing a game's content it is difficult to make an informed decision about what games one should let their children play, but I think there is some room for discussion, and the need for flexibility in that process. After all, by severely restricting the games they play, I think she is driving the kids to play those particular games elsewhere without her knowledge, and they are less likely to pay attention to her rules than if she said "I will allow you to play THESE games, but THIS one I find very inappropriate because of X, Y, and Z, and I ask that you please not play it."

Perhaps I am naive, and the kids will play whatever they want at their friend's places anyway, but I think respect and communication go far.

This brings me to a game I have been playing lately called Persona 4. This is a 'Mature' rated game, and for good reason. The list of content has such things as Partial Nudity, Sexual Themes, Alcohol References and Violence, all of which it has. (What is partial nudity, though. Isn't that like being a little bit pregnant?) I have no problem with the rating. It is a rather mature game. But what does that really mean?

I pulled some relevant definitions from Dictionary.reference.com:

–adjective
1. complete in natural growth or development, as plant and animal forms: a mature rose bush.

3. fully developed in body or mind, as a person: a mature woman.

4. pertaining to or characteristic of full development: a mature appearance; fruit with a mature softness.

7. intended for or restricted to adults, esp. by reason of explicit sexual content or the inclusion of violence or obscene language: mature movies.

8. composed of adults, considered as being less susceptible than minors to explicit sexual content, violence, or obscene language, as of a film or stage performance: for mature audiences only.

–verb (used with object)
13. to bring to full development: His hard experiences in the city matured him.

–verb (used without object)
16. to come to full development: Our plans have not yet matured.

I realize that 'Mature' in this sense is intended as in definition #7, that is 'intended for or restricted to adults', but let me tell you something about Persona 4...

P4 is about a high school student fighting monsters and saving the world, which is typical RPG fare. Where it deviates is in the inclusion of elements from Japanese dating sims, where one talks to people and develops relationships with them over the course of the game. Typically in a dating sim, they are female, but here there are people of all types, and while there are love interests in the mix, many of the relationships have no sexual aspect in the slightest.

What makes this more interesting is that over the course of developing these ties, you discover... depth. There's the class clown who hides his anxieties beneath his jocularity. There's the punk who, because of how sensitive he is, and the fact that he is good at 'feminine' tasks, questions his sexuality. There's the teen Idol (actor/celebrity) who wonders who the real person is behind the acting. There's the young wife who is having trouble relating to her stepson, and the flirtatious nurse who can't remember why she chose her career, and on, and on.

This is a game about finding out who you really are, and how much of who you are is what you decide to be. This is a game about finding out that everyone else has the same hang-ups and worries as you do. This is a game about growing up... about MATURING.

Despite this being a Mature rated game, this is a game I think I would want my teenagers to play. Hopefully they would see and understand the themes presented in the game, and relate to them, and mature a little from the experience. Compare this to a typical shooter, where the whole game is 'Kill X' or 'Don't BE killed by X'. Isn't there a difference? Is it fair to rate both 'Mature'?

I don't blame the ESRB for this, for they have an impossible task. Play a game and rate the content, that is their job, but to themes have an mitigating or occasionally detrimental effect? Would parents see the difference, or even care?

For now, I'm glad I don't have kids, so that burden is not yet mine, but when I do, I am in a better decision than most to do actual research, and not just look at the rating.

I hope I always take the time.

Moments Gone and Future Intents

I had/have a post in the works about Persona 4, and the nature of adult/mature games, which I think is somewhat insightful, but that must wait for the future. Right now, I want to talk about the past, more specifically this morning.

"This morning? That's the past?" you might ask.

The point is this morning IS the past, and as such is now forever beyond our grasp. This morning we had to put one of our cats to sleep.

I tend to be a soft hearted person. I get more emotional that most people I know, and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so keep that in mind. If this gets overly sentimental or weepy sounding, I apologize.

Thea was MY cat. She would hop into my lap, start purring, and lick my nose. She would sit on the arm of a chair and bat at me to get my attention as I walked by. She would let me drape her over my neck and shoulders and carry her when I got up to let the dog out. She would follow me into the bathroom and curl up, nesting in my boxers while I was on the toilet. We had her for less than a year, but she was brimming with personality. My wife took her to the vet this morning and had to have her put to sleep while I was at work. She made the right decision, and talked to me on the phone and told me everything as it was happening. It doesn't change the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye. She was still a kitten, only 2 1/2 yrs old, but had some genetic kidney defect that was killing her. I didn't get to say goodbye. This morning is gone. Thea is gone. Both are forever out of reach.

I miss her.

...Aaaaaaand we're back!

For me, at least, wheels are turning once again. I've been employed for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I'm back in the automotive industry as well, working for another Tier 1 supplier on a contractual basis. This is temporary, to be sure, it's nice to reap an engineer's pay again, if just for a little while.

I have more to say, but it's good to ease into these things a little at a time.

Until then.

My Fingernail Theory.

I have this theory, which ticks off my wife. It goes:
Women do not paint or do their nails for men; they do it for other women.

If you are a man, this statement is self evident. If you are a woman, this statement ticks you off, if my current sampling holds true.

My wife visits this website which is nothing but pictures of women's nails, nails painted with flowers, paisley designs, patterns, etc. Inevitably, while browsing this pictures, she will aske me: "What do you think of her nails?" My answer is always the same. "I think it's silly." She then proceeds to get annoyed with me.

Honestly, fellas, how many of you have ever said, "Wow, she's really hot... and did you see those NAILS?"

Hey, I have a blog?

Uh, yeah, so that whole blogging thing... I guess I'm missing the point about regular posts.

Things here have been... quiet. I've not had a single call about a job. Not ONE SINGLE CALL. My last ego boost was being turned down for a job as a bank teller. BANK TELLER. Obviously, I'm a bit down about the whole 'job' thing.

My plan is still to go back to school using No Worker Left Behind. The only problem, and I'm not saying it really is a problem, is that using NWLB means leaving engineering. This has highlighted something else that is bothering me.

The field of engineering is dying in the US.

A Careerbuilder magazine that was sent to my house stated that engineering careers in the US are flat for the foreseeable future. This is not a surprise when you think that engineering and manufacturing are inseperably linked. Engineers design things to be manufactured. Engineers moniter, maintain, and inprove manufacturing lines that produce thos same things. As manufacturing leaves the US, so too does engineering.

This is really depressing for me, not only because it does not bode well for the future of the US, but also because I really liked the concreteness of mechanical engineering.

Does anyone see this similarly? Does anyone think I'm wrong?

Anyone?

Farewell to thee, Goatee.

I must not be very good at this blogging thing, as I haven't posted in a while. Bad me!

I haven't had much to say lately. I'm still job searching, without even the slightest success, however, now I'm pondering the 'return to the school' option. This initially reared it's ugly head as an interest in 'No Worker Left Behind' which I am still investigating, but now continues in schooling regardless of NWLB. I am waiting to hear back from U of M Dearborn on their Electrical Engineering program. I have a mechanical degree, but lately I've been thinking that's a dead end. I like being an ME, but I like the idea of having both an ME and EE degree.

That, however, is beside the point. Right now I wish to put into word a memorial to my Goatee.

My love affair with my Goatee began where most experimentation happens: college. I flirted shamelessly with my Goatee, going occationally with, occationally without it. As time wore on, and I matured, I grew closer to my Goatee, encouraged, at the time, by my then girlfriend, Rachel. Upon graduation, however, a rift opened between us. I needed to find employment, and unilaterally people said that one must be clean shaven to impress a prospective employer. Thus, saddened, but determined, I severed my relationship with my Goatee. Again, time wore on, and found myself still without work. No matter how much I yearned for my Goatee, I had to remain steadfast.

Eventually, I did find employment, and with it came new hope, and a new chance to rekindle my relationship with my Goatee, and we had been together ever since. My Goatee was with me when I met my wife, and at our wedding. My Goatee consoled me when my wife's cat, Allie, died, and reminded me of how she nuzzled my Goatee when being affectionate. My Goatee was there when I was laid off two month ago, and my wife tucked it in her neck as she, too, consoled me.

Now, however, my Goatee is gone. Again I am without employment, again, clean shaven is how I must be to impress a potential employeer, and again my Goatee is gone. Our long standing relationship is over.

At least until I find a new job, and can grow it back.